life

by Madison Turner

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about

This is an album about being transgender;
it's about not being able to tell anyone who you are,
about the confusion and shame and
hate that I felt about myself,
about the isolation and loneliness and
false persona that I had to put on,
about the messages that exist all around you,
telling you what you're "supposed to be."

This is an album about cynicism,
about having no hope for the world.
It's about how I'm not excused from
being part of the problem.

This is an album about frustration;
frustration with a system that refuses
to work with you.
frustration with other people,
frustration with yourself.

This is an album about how, occasionally,
a spark of optimism and gratefulness can shine through.

This is an album about the inevitability of death.

This is an album that I'm proud to release,
it's my personal experiences, my outlook.
- this is life.

credits

released 23 October 2013
Available for free download here.

Lyrics and Music by Madison Turner

Madison Turner - Guitar / Vocals
Woody Bond - Drums (and backing vocals on When the Sticks Click)
Josh Dykstra - Bass

Recorded and Mixed by Matt Ostraco at Epic Problem
Mastered by Tyler Bisson at Audio Geography Studios
Album Artwork / Photography by Lennox Archer

self-release

To download for free: Click "Buy Now" and enter "0" as the price, and then follow the rest of the download instructions.

Music Videos:
Routine - www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fQ5PHwBKpU

tags

license

all rights reserved

feeds

feeds for this album, this artist
Track Name: Learning to Thrive
Desperation in a glance,
the mirror won't give another chance
it just laughs until I'm dead
I'm feeling so oblique,
so evasive and so weak
can't get it out of my head
the city must be burnt to the ground
and only ashes are to be found

Loud and angry like a siren,
blaring wildly while I'm trying
to cover these ears
The silence beats the dissonance,
I can't make any fucking sense
out of myself
the city has to be burnt to the ground
and I'm trying to understand the sound

I just want to fall asleep
I just want to fall asleep forever, forever
Do I really want to fall asleep?
I don't want to fucking sleep, no

With love and understanding we begin to see
that this world is filled with possibilities
and I'm so happy that these tears stream down my face
and I'm so glad that they'll never go away
Track Name: Pretend
I've got a problem
I'm trapped in my own head

All these words are garbled
and better off unsaid

I just want to feel a little something that's real
Is that too much to ask
and I just want to see a little piece of me
When I look at my own fucking body
and I just want to claim the little letters in my name
it's my name, it's my name, it's my name, it's my name
and I just don't want to pretend anymore
Track Name: When the Sticks Click
I won't make it another day
I refuse to leave the bedroom
This is where I'll stay

But with a 1 2 3 4
when the sticks click
we'll be okay (1 2 3 4)

When everyone that surrounds us
is full of shit
We all think we know the answers
but we don't know a fucking thing
Just carry on (just carry on)
and keep moving
and learn and laugh and love and cry
and hate and sleep and scream and die
and nothing and nothing and nothing and nothing and

We're getting closer to the end
Just getting closer to the end
With every inhale, exhale, whatever
Closer to the end
We're getting closer to the end
Just getting closer to the end
But with a 1 2 3 4
when the sticks click
we'll be okay (1 2 3 4)

I'm getting sick of the world that surrounds me
Polution, corruption, the fucking profit margin
lobbyists and congressmen are
holding hands at make-out point
and the cops blame us for the clothes we wear

Someone looked at me the other day
and laughed right in my face
I must be such a sight to be seen and
I just stand behind the counter
and say nothing
what the fuck do I do, what the fuck do I do, well

I want to crawl up inside myself
and hide from everyone else
never see anyone again
If someone tries to talk to me
I'll hold my fingers in my ears and scream
LALALALALALALALA

And the children point and stare
never taught that I exist
Always an afterthought, a fringe person,
a who-the-fuck-cares
Television thinks I'm a joke
I just can't handle this so I
Put on an album and let
the sound surround me cause

When we press play
we'll be okay
We'll be okay (We'll be okay)
when we press play

When we press play
we'll be okay
We'll be okay (We'll be okay)
when we press play

And with a 1 2 3 4
when the sticks click
we're closer to the end
to the end
to the end
to the (1 2 3 4)
Track Name: All of Us
Can we see
in the dark
Can we breathe
when the oxygen is gone
Can we exist
with no ground to manuever
Can we decieve
without reality

all of us

Can we live
as there are others who are silenced
Can we forget
the screams we are not close enough to hear
Can we achieve
a thick security blanket
Do we believe
that we are not at fault

all of us
Track Name: Seed
Give me a guitar
and I'll give my best, my worst, my everything
my life, my love, my honesty
in a flurry of syllables, a symphony
of screams,
you'll wish you held on to the reciept
just a little bit longer

but does it matter in the end
when we've turned to dust and float away
as electric lights and with the air we mend

Give me a hug
and I'll give my reassurance that
everything will be fine
even if that is a lie
I don't want to die
I don't want to die
I don't want to die
NO NO

Give me your time
and I'll give you access to
my insecurities
my deepest fears, my nervous ticks
my impulses, my ideology

Give me a seed
and together we'll plant a new beginning
within our little space
we'll grow a better place
we'll grow a better place
we'll grow a better place
we'll grow a better place
Track Name: Break Me Down
I was a young girl once
but I didn't really get the chance to have
a typical experience
and sometimes it makes me angry
and sometimes it makes me really fucking sad

but I'm glad that I've made it here
that I've grown into the person that I am
and I'm thankful for all that I have

Break me down

Everything I wished to be
is my reality and
Everything I thought I was
I was right all along
a scared, little girl praying to a god
she didn't believe in
to become a little girl, to become a little girl

but I'm glad that I've made it here
that I've grown into the person that I am
and I'm thankful for all that I have

Break me down

Everything I hold close
Everything I'm told to be
All that I know is turned upside-down
Everyone I hold too close
I'm lonely in my own skin
All that I know is turned upside-down

(There's no such thing as the typical experience)

I was a young girl once...

Break me down
You could never break me down
Track Name: Best
When everyone is dead and gone
Will the world just keep spinning on?
And I won't even have a say

And as the world passes me by
Nothing to do but get up and try
well I've just gotta speak my mind

Nothing to do but get up and speak your mind
All that exists is the time that passes by

These thoughts can be unforgiving
but they're all that we have left
It's all borderline frustrating
but we're gonna do our best, yeah

And what we take for granted
is a plate of food to eat
and a place to lay our heads

And all that I really am
is the person that I want
is the person that I need

And when I'm dead and gone
and the world moves on without me
I'm just glad I tried my best
Track Name: Routine
Why am I scared to death of dying
when I'm so fed up with life
and I try
but it's just damn hard to get by

Lately I've been feeling like
there's only one direction
and it leads straight ahead

that same dark-lit road
that doesn't waver I just wish
it would explode, sometimes

and I don't want to do it
No I don't want to do it
No I don't want to spend my life
at work and sleeping until the day I die

I just want to stay at home
and cuddle up with my pup
I want to pick up my guitar
and write a song without a chorus
I just want a million bucks
so that I never have to worry
and I just want, want, want
I'm so entitled, who gives a fuck about me

I don't claim to be the perfect person
but I just keep on moving, let's see what's next
I'm worn down but I get back up
I just move on and on and on and on and on

Why am I scared to death of dying
when I'm so fed up with life
and I try
but it's just damn hard
Track Name: This Constant Distraction
It seems that no matter what I do in this life,
people will always judge me for whether they think
I'm a boy or a girl.

They don't listen to what I say or
the music that I play
but they look at me as though they don't
even know what to do with me

it's this constant distraction in which I could
do the same thing as a cisgender person but
my content is ignored because the surface is
continually examined under a microscope
and with a gavel and justified with a long list of slurs
that belong in a barrel at the bottom of the ocean

Well
I'm sorry to say, but FUCK YOU
I'm gonna keep showing you
All that I can, All that I can do

and
I'm sorry to say, but FUCK YOU
And I'm not really sorry too
Cause you're a piece of shit and I'm fucking awesome
and even though it's difficult to realize that sometimes
and even though when realized it can be difficult to overcome

I don't have time to be brought down by some ignorant scumbag
piece of shit who can only spew transphobic and cissexist bile
from their

mouth-hole-area instead of injecting
information and empathy into their brain-skull-area
and don't have any realization that they have this privilege

this powerful privilege to make these decisions without any
care in the world whether or not someone else's existance
is flat-out denied

Well
I'm sorry to say, but FUCK YOU
I'm gonna keep showing you
All that I can, All that I can do

and
I'm sorry to say, but FUCK YOU
And I'm not really sorry too
Cause some of the shit that you say is just fucking awful
like this youtube comment on a music video that I released in
this other band years back

in which this person says verbatim
"Good band. Sucks the singer sucks
as both a man and a woman."
and it's like

'guess what,' you don't have to like the way I
say words because not everyone will and,
I mean, this song probably sucks too and who cares,

but to say some bigoted
shit because your cisgender ass thinks this is an acceptable
blow when it very clearly isn't is totally fucked.

Or like the time that a former co-worker
told me on the internet
"Matt, you're not a woman." I mean,
that's totally fucked up to think
and is even more fucked up to say,
and it's not even my legal name anymore anyways,

but that doesn't matter,
because you don't say that shit to
a transgender person.
i know you're sitting at your computer with
a veil of fucking anonymity and it
makes you feel like a powerful cisgender fuck,
but you're really just a shitty cisgender fuck.

the list of things that shitty people
say to me on the internet, behind my back,
and to my face goes on and on and on
and it's about time for that to fucking change

I'm sorry to say, but FUCK YOU
I'm gonna keep showing you
All that I can, All that I can do

and
I'm sorry to say, but FUCK YOU
and I'm not really sorry too
not sorry not sorry not sorry not sorry

So
I'll just fucking say, FUCK YOU
And fuck your attitude
Fuck your microscope, fuck your gavel, fuck your slurs,
and, uh, fuck you, you know?
Track Name: How We Adapt
We are born
young and innocent
We just want to soak up
all the world around us
We want to learn
want to laugh, want to feel loved
We learn to crawl, learn to move
for ourselves

We start to grow up
We make new friends
We learn what it is to adapt
We learn to add and to subtract
we learn to read,
we learn what we should say
to make the other kids like us
We learn who to make fun of
In order not to be made fun of ourselves
We learn the right clothes to wear
We learn the right emotions to feel and show

And then we grow up
we get a job
we make the money so we can have
a place to live and food to eat
And we're promoted at that job
and we make more money
and we fall in love and life is pretty great
And we're promoted again
and now we've got this life thing figured out
we're on the fast track to success
And with our new position
We've gotta fire employees
those fucking under-performers
just fucking fire them all

And the CEOs
that were born into money
and born into power
or learned greed
They fire you
"What an under-performer"
and sell the business
But we all grow old
All of the under-performers
all of the CEOs
And we face ourselves
no matter who we are or what we did
the curtain closes